Tuesday, 15 June 2010

What are the odds?!?

I've just spent a very productive morning in the company of my good gaming friend Jason Brown. We had a spare couple of hours so, at my insistence, Jason treated us to a movie. The movie in question was '2012'.

I think we both agreed that it was a massive pile of crap. Sorry, Jason, it was my choice and you paid for it. I owe you four quid. In fact, I'll give you eight to cushion the trauma of having watched such a bad film.

I honestly tried to find a better way to convey my feelings on the film, to try and write a fair and balanced review on the merits and faults of the movie. But I just couldn't. It was just very, very crap. There were lots (and I mean lots) of times during the film that me and Jason just looked at each other and cried, 'what the hell?!?' It was a typical Emmerich movie. The odds are that this character will meet that character who knows this other character who heard of such and such, and that they are all where they need to be to utilise a certain skill you never knew they had ('We need a pilot!' 'Hey! I had two flying lessons!' Thank God! There's a massive effects sequence coming up and we need to fly under collapsing buildings!') or help someone else out who needs it at that very moment. 'There's six billion people in the world! Thank God that this particular Tibetan and his truck turned up at this very moment!' Bloody awful!

In fact, that became our mantra as the film unfolded. 'What are the odds!?!' The odds that he knew how to fly. The odds that he was the limo driver of a man who knew about a way to survive. That they were at Yellowstone park where they met the scientist who had read his book that he had happened to write, when he was with his hot ex-wife who was with the guy who could sort-of fly... a constant stream of coincidences. I'd only known the character's for ten minutes, and I wanted them all to die.

Effects were good. Dropping an aircraft carrier on the Whitehouse was a stroke of over indulgent brilliance.

I have an idea for Emmerich's next movie:

'The Day After Godzilla's Fight for Independance in the Year 2012: What Are The Odds?'

All the way through the film all you'lll hear is the audience shouting, 'Just fly upwards, morons!' and 'Holy crap! What are the odds?'